Posh spice is a decent friend.

You know there are millions are quizzes on the net. Google it...I'm right. Everything from how good of a friend you are to which spice girl you are. I take some of them, but most I just skip to the end and read what I already know I am. I'm a decent friend. I am Posh Spice. I am middle of the road. Not either extreme, but average. Until now.
I took a 'are you depressed?' quiz a few days ago. Apparently, I am officially according to this quiz, depressed...and not just kinda down either, but full blown, 'go to the doctor now' type of depressed. Who knew?
I have been down since Miranda was born. The first 6 weeks they refer to it as 'baby blues'. Its mostly hormones and lack of sleep. Well here we are, almost 6 months later and I am still hormonal and some nights I get much less sleep than when we first brought her home. I know the lack of sleep in affecting my mood. Duh?! I haven't had a decent sleep since I was 7 months pregnant--so that's over 8 months of crappy sleep.
It also doesn't help that I still have tonnes of weight to loose. I am fat. My belly has thing apron thing going on. My stretch marks are still pink and I feel even though I am trying, the weight isn't coming off.
This isn't meant as a pity party for one. I am merely stating the fact that I never knew I was so depressed.

I went to the doctor about a month ago and without any warning to myself or him (poor guy!) I began sobbing. I had one simple question. What's the difference between postpartum depression and plain ole depression? He asked me some tough questions--mostly relating to hurting myself or Miranda (both were 'no'), and deciding that I was feeling more sleep deprived than anything else. Although he did some blood work to rule out a hormonal thing--came back negative. A month later, the aforementioned quiz and I disagree.
I am depressed. I don't need to preface the following with 'I love my daughter'...cuz you're pretty stupid if you think I don't love her.
Motherhood isn't what I thought it would be. No I didn't imagine my child sleeping through the night at 6 weeks or being so laid back, I could plop her in front of the TV for hours while I vegged on my online mommy board. But I thought by now (she is 6 months) that I wouldn't be waking up to her crying 4-8 times a night. I didn't think I would have to entertain her for 16 hours a day constantly. I didn't think my baby would be one of those babies that fights sleep, cat naps and gets bored very easily. I also thought my husband would pick up some slack around the home...I'd settle for him picking up his plate off the table and picking up his socks at this point!

Please don't give me hugs--hugs won't fix this and will not make me feel better. Please don't recommend books--I have them already. Please don't tell me about your child that sleeps 12 hours a day because 'she is satisfied'. Please don't tell me that my child is starving and that's why she won't sleep. Please don't tell me to let her cry herself to sleep--I've tried that and she cried so much she puked. I don't wanna clean vomit at 3am! Please don't tell me it will get easier, cuz unless you have the magic cure, it won't. Please don't tell me that this is better than 'working', its not better most days.

I am going to the doctor this week.